My Angel Baby
[Below is how we announced our loss to friends]
My Angel Baby,
I cherished all 5 months we had together and I so deeply wish we had a lifetime. August 4th we found out about you with the ever so faint second line on the pregnancy test. I didn’t know if I should scream with joy or ball my eyes out that we had failed another cycle. I sat for hours on the computer googling away at 6 am the difference between a faint positive, an indent line and an evaporation line. We patiently waited for me to test again the following morning and again that ever so slight line was there. I immediately told everyone we were pregnant because I could not hold in my joy, I was so excited I was finally a mom. September 4th was our first appointment and we got to see you and your little heart beat beating away strongly on the screen. I was shaking at that first appointment and praying so very hard that there would be a heartbeat and there it was. I viewed you as our 2nd year wedding anniversary gift. October 1st we got to see you again and you were getting so big! I saw your little head, nose and the tech counted 5 fingers and toes! All our testing came back perfect and we had a perfect little baby growing inside me. October 31st it was just you and I at the appointment and I got to hear your little heartbeat again. That following Saturday we had our second gender reveal ultrasound but again the tech couldn’t get a good view so we decided to just wait until our appointment Friday November 16th for our anatomy scan with the OB.
November 13th will forever be a day I wish we can forget and skip over. I woke up with what I thought was a UTI constant need to use the restroom and even after I peed I thought my bladder would burst. At first I was going to hold off and not contact my OB until the afternoon and if things didn’t improve but I was just so uncomfortable and said no let me send a message before I head in to work thinking they would just send me in a prescription. I checked my messages when I got to work and one of the nurses had replied and she had scheduled an appointment to come in later that day at 1:15. At first I wanted to call and cancel since I couldn’t just take off work last minute but then I snapped out of it and said no I need to go because if it was a UTI I didn’t want to keep it untreated and it potentially harm the baby. I got to my appointment and my OB said it sounded like a UTI and that they would send off my urine to get cultured. While I was there they had also moved up my OB visit with her so that I wouldn’t have to see her again on Friday. She got out the doppler and searched for the heartbeat. She couldn’t find it so tears started streaming down my face. She reassured me and said oh I didn’t mean to scare you, babies can still sometimes hide from me. You have nothing to worry about you were just here 2 weeks ago and we had a strong heartbeat and baby was nice and healthy. She said lets go get the ultrasound machine so I can reassure you. The portable machine must have been in use in another room so she said we would just step across the hall and have my scan there. At this point I was balling and shaking uncontrollably. Again she said I am so sorry everything is fine, I didn’t mean to scare you. She even said they would be able to tell me the sex of the baby today or if I wanted I could wait till Friday when I would be there with my husband. As the ultrasound tech moved around my belly my eyes were glued to the screen. I was searching for your tiny little flickering heart but I couldn’t see it. I kept thinking come on it has to be there I just saw it 10 days ago. My OB then said to the tech can you take some measurement and grabbed my hand and said I am so sorry I am just not seeing what I would like. We see the baby, we see the chest but the heart just isn’t beating. I thought this must be a dream, it cant be I was in the clear, I was so far along, I had no cramping, no bleeding, no warning signs. And I was alone. We walked back into the exam room because she was going to call my husband, but when I walked to my phone Ari was already calling. She told me to put it on speaker and all I could get out was our baby is dead, my OB explained the rest and then my husband got off the phone so he could book a flight back home. The OB stepped out and called my work and then returned to examine my cervix to see if my body had already begun to expel the fetus. She said I wasn’t dilated and then we discussed my options. I could either have a D&E or I could go into the hospital and get induced to deliver the baby naturally. I told her I couldn’t make the decision and I needed to discuss things with my husband. She kept telling me over and over that she doesn’t understand what had happened to my baby. The heartbeat was strong just two weeks ago, she had reviewed all my records with her senior partner who also said there was no explanation, my baby was healthy. She said we may never get an answer and that it could have been something as simple as a knot in the cord that ended my baby’s life. It didnt matter to me what had happened, I had lost my first baby.
Everything else from that day is a blur, I managed to drive home while my husband was on the phone with me. We both were silent with each of us alternating balling into the phone. I got home sat on the couch and didn’t move. Eventually I called a friend who came over and sat with me for a few hours. I managed to get myself into bed while I starred at my phone watching the time go, just waiting for my husband to text that he had landed and was heading home. Finally at 1 am he got home and we laid in bed with tears streaming down our faces. I continuously looked at the clock hoping it would be time to get up so I can stop laying, stop thinking and talk to my OB. My OB had told me she would reach out to me in the morning so she could talk to both my husband and I when we were together. My husband and I discussed that we would ask if there was any chance there was a mistake and that we just missed the heartbeat. My OB said she was certain but if it would bring us peace we could do another ultrasound. I don’t know if at this point I was clinging on to lost hope, in denial or just praying for a miracle. Our appointment wasn’t till 4pm that day. At this point I was both physically and emotionally drained. I hadn’t slept or eaten since we had found out. I couldn’t and still cant recognize my own face in the mirror. I can barely open my swollen eyes, but none of it matters I just want my baby back. As we sat in the waiting room, tears were streaming down my face and I couldn’t control it, especially when a little baby came in and all I could hear were its little babbles. I want that. That was supposed to be my baby in a few months. The ultrasound tech came and got us and again our eyes were glued to the screen, scanning for the flickering heart, but again it wasn’t there. She had asked if we wanted the screen off while she did her work, but no I wanted to see my baby, I wanted to see and make sure with my own eyes that there was no heartbeat. She asked us if we wanted a picture and I regret now not asking her for more. I have one little picture of our little babe that I will cherish forever. I was staring at the print out and was searching for the BPM but then it hit me that wouldn’t be there, this wasn’t a normal US our baby was dead. We met with my OB who again couldn’t get any more answers from the additional scans. My OB had referred us out to another specialist since they do not perform D&E on fetuses past the first trimester. She met us after hours so that she could talk to us in person before my surgery the next day. She prepared me that things will only get tougher these next couple of months as I near my due date. She told me I would break down in public every time I saw a family. She told me she wanted me to be prepared for what was to come, because this was not a first trimester miscarriage, and it should not be lumped into one. I had 5 months with my baby, 5 months of planning, I had felt the flutters, I had felt the kicks, we had a bond. She also prepared me that I would be robbed from all the joys of future pregnancies, as I would never feel that my baby was safe since I had lost this baby when I was so far a long. She told me I would be going to a high risk OB for all my scans and that I would be getting weekly scans to help with my anxiety, but she said even with that you will never feel assured until that baby is born and in my arms.
Yesterday is a blur, all I remember was not being nervous, not having a worry at all. I was at peace, if things did not go well during surgery I would be reunited with my baby and that was not a scary thought at all. It was a joyful thought. I remember waking up and immediately asked the nurse if she knew if the doctor was able to get any pictures or hand and footprints. She did not know. I anxiously waited to find out from my husband if we had anything that could bring me closer to our baby. Unfortunately she was only able to get footprints and I will cherish those forever. When I look at them I question if I made the right decision. Should I have been induced? I could have held you one last time. I could have held your little hand, I could have seen your beautiful face. I regret not going through the delivery. If I could go back, I would have held you. I did what was recommended, the procedure with the least complications and risks, was I too selfish? Yes, I should have gone through the delivery. Looking back I would have labored for days just to hold you in my arms. We also found out you were a little boy, my little boy. I want you to know I would have been the best boy mom for you.
There are so many things I wish I would have done differently. Why didn’t I talk to you more? Why didn’t I take more pictures of you in my belly? Why didn’t I pray for you more? I hope you know I love you. I hope you know I miss you and will never forget you. I want you to know that I will always be your mom. I want you to know that I am counting down the days till we are together again. I want you to know if we do have another baby that you will never and can never be replaced. You are our first, you are my child and you made me a mom. I love you.
As I sit here looking down on my belly that you once called home, I feel empty. I feel like a huge part of me is missing. You truly touched my heart and soul and took a huge part with you when you left us. It kills me to see that the rest of the world just keeps living and moving on while I sit here just looking back. How can they go on living without you being here? Today would have been our anatomy scan, today we would have found out you were a little boy.
Drayton Scott Abraham you will always be my little boy and I will always love you. I hope to be with you soon.
With all this pain, I wonder were was God during all this? Why did he let this happen? He knew how much I longed to be a mom, he knew that was what I lived for, why did he have to take my baby? Why did he rip it from me after letting me enjoy motherhood for 5 months? I know I will never get an answer. I do question whether I was meant to find out on Tuesday so that I could have the procedure done before the weekend. As soon as I was at the OB all my UTI symptoms resolved and my culture came back negative. Was that my body’s way of letting me know something was wrong? But why did I have to find out alone? Why did I have to deal with the pain on my own?
To everyone who has reached out, thank you. Right now I cant imagine being happy again.
Please don’t tell me at least it happened now and not after the baby was born. No a loss is a loss. Please don’t tell me there must have been something wrong, its better this way. No, our baby was perfect. Please don’t tell me of success stories you know of or that I will have another baby. You do not know that and it’s not something you can promise me.
To read more about our journey with Drayton click here.